With the stars...
and...
Hey, Ralph.
Oh, Ralph, there. Ralphie Boy!
Hi, Ed.
Oh. Oh, hi, Alice.
Ralph isn't home yet.
Oh, he's not home yet?
Well, I tell you what I came by to see him about.
You remember that last year
when Ralph had those three tickets--
the four tickets to the World Series? Yeah.
You know, you and him took Trixie and me to the game.
We had a good time and everything.
Well, I felt that it was just about my time to reciprocate,
and, uh, and, uh, well, do you a good deed.
I, uh, was just wondering if you'd like to join us Sunday.
We're going to Madison Square Garden.
Oh, Madison Square Garden.
What's playing there now?
The Antique Show.
Boy, I'm telling you, and I was lucky to get the tickets, too.
Just fortunately, there's a friend of mine
that, uh, that's a scalper.
You know, those-- oh, those tickets are harder to get,
they're scarcer than hen's teeth.
But, Ed, The Antique Show?
Since when did you become so interested in antiques?
Oh, I've been interested in antiques quite a while.
Sort of a hobby, you know?
I came across it accidentally.
I was, uh... well, I'll tell you how it happened.
I was in the market for a dog, see?
So I was looking in the paper, I'd seen this ad:
"For sale, genuine four-legged chippendale."
So I sent away for it.
And it came back a table.
( laughing ): That's how it happened.
What do you say? You wanna join us Sunday?
Well, thanks for the invitation, Ed,
but I don't have to go to Madison Square Garden
I know just what you're talking about.
Well, look, just don't take this antique business too lightly,
because if you've got some genuine antiques here,
they could be worth a fortune.
Say, as a matter of fact, I tell you what I'll do.
I'll just look around here, examine a few of these pieces,
free of charge, and let you know.
You may have something here worth a lot of money.
Well, go ahead, Ed, if you want to,
but I doubt you'll find anything around here
that's worth any money.
Well, you...
Oh... Oh!
Wait a minute now.
Let's take that icebox.
That is a very interesting piece.
Look, Ed, while you're looking around, would you excuse me?
I got some things to do in the bedroom.
Go right ahead. I'll examine the icebox
and I'll give you a complete detailed report
when I'm through. All right.
Yep.
Uh, Alice, I'm not quite sure,
but this could be early Ma and Pa Kettle.
Yes, sir.
I...
Say, this is very interesting.
Yeah.
I, uh...
I'm looking underneath the icebox now, Alice.
( stomps feet )
Mmm, now I'm looking in back of the icebox.
( stomping feet )
I'm examining the legs now, Alice.
♪ Dum, de, dum, dum. ♪
All I hope is, when they do my life on Dragnet,
they leave my name out to protect the innocent.
You put that turkey back
or they'll be doing your life on Medic.
Alice, I'm home!
ALICE: Be right out, Ralph.
Huh, look at this.
What?
Boy, this kills me.
Bills, bills, bills.
Why doesn't anybody send me a letter or something?
Ah, there's a relief. Postcard.
Wonder who it's from.
Pretty sneaky, the gas company,
to send a bill on the back of a postcard.
Oh, boy, that ain't the worst of it.
Now everybody in the building knows
what you're paying for your gas bill.
What are you talking about?
Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth,
she looks at all the postcards,
and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.
You're kidding? I'm not kidding.
I know how much your gas bill is. 93 cents.
That's right. See?
Oh, by the way, Ralph,
congratulations on that 93-cent gas bill.
Mrs. Schwartz told me that you broke
the all-time low gas bill record,
set by the Keyer brothers in 1931.
Hiya, Ralph.
Hiya, honey.
Sit down, honey,
and I'll have your dinner on the table right away.
All right.
( plates clattering )
Norton, don't you have to go upstairs and have supper?
I already ate.
Well, aren't you gonna be a little uncomfortable,
sitting here watching Alice and I eat?
Oh, thank you, Ralph.
If you put it that way, I'll be glad to stay.
All right, Alice, I'll have a little order
of spaghetti and meatballs, light on the marinara,
heavy on the shoot one with a feather and hold the mayo!
( chuckles )
I thought you already ate.
Well, let's face it, Ralph.
Dizzy Dean warms up in the bullpen before the game,
but he still pitches.
ALICE: There's plenty of food, Ralph.
Hey.
What?
Here's a little letter.
I've been waiting for this
from the Bureau of Internal Revenue, the Tax Department.
Oh, yeah, I noticed that
when I was bringing the mail up today.
Oh, why didn't you tell me it was here?
I've been waiting for this.
Do you know what this is? My tax refund.
Hey, hey, hey, how much you getting back, Ralph?
Well, the way I figured it out, about $42.
And it couldn't have come at a better time.
I'm gonna blow this whole thing
on two glorious weeks' vacation,
fishing at Fred's Landing.
Isn't that gonna be fun, hon?
I hope we get that same tent we had last year.
That ought to be easy.
Tell 'em we want the one with the snake in it.
Norton, I'm telling you, you should've been with us.
You would've died laughing.
I thought I was gonna kill myself laughing,
watching her run away from that snake. Oh-oh.
How could you see me run? You were way ahead of me.
( guffawing )
Shut up, Dizzy Dean, and eat your spaghetti.
There's a letter here but no check.
Well, what did the letter say, Ralph?
"Dear Mr. Kramden,
"please report to Mr. Richard Putter of our office
"at 10:00 in the morning of the 21st."
Huh. Wonder what he wants to see you about.
I don't know. I never got one of these.
Well, it's nothing to get upset about, Ralph.
Tomorrow's the 21st. You'll find out then.
Guess you're right.
There's nothing to worry about.
No, honey. Come on, eat your supper.
Couldn't be anything important.
Mm, sure it isn't.
What could they want with me?!
Ralph, you're building this whole thing up in your mind.
It's probably nothing.
Probably nothing?
Probably nothing?!
Look, Alice, if it was nothing,
they would've sent me a letter saying, "Dear Mr. Kramden,
don't come down tomorrow."
What do you mean, nothing?
This isn't the Girl Scouts, you know.
They don't want me down there to buy cookies.
This is the United States Government,
the Treasury Department.
They don't want me down there to shake hands
with the Secretary of the Treasury.
You got any ketchup, Ralph?
Huh? Uh...
What could I have done that's wrong?
Listen, Ralph, I don't like to say this,
but if you did anything wrong, it's your own fault.
What do you mean, it's my fault?
How can it be my fault if I did something wrong?
You shouldn't have made out your own tax, Ralph.
I told you to go down to the barber shop
and get somebody to do it who knows how.
Are you gonna start with the "I told you so's," Alice?
Hey, you got any piccalilli or chow-chow
or something like that?
Is that what you're gonna start with, the "I told you so's"?
Don't give me any "I told you so's" now,
'cause they're not gonna help me.
Listen, Ralph, probably the only thing you did
was deduct something that you shouldn't have.
So now you have to pay tax on that deduction.
They're just gonna take the money out of your refund.
Oh, is that all they're gonna do?
They're just gonna take it out of my refund?
It so happens, Alice, that I was planning
on that refund in its entirety.
I need all of the refund, all $42.
I can't afford to let any of the $42 go.
I got to go down to Fred's landing. I need $42.
What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?
We'll just have to cut down, Ralph.
Tell Fred to give us a cheaper tent with a smaller snake.
Oh...
Got any bread, Ralph?
Yes.
Will you stop with the bread?!
What did I do?! What, what?!
What's the matter with you?
Can't you realize I'm in serious trouble?
The government is investigating me.
So, they're investigating.
What are you getting excited about?
Be calm, will you? Be calm.
He's right, Ralph.
Don't fly off the handle.
That's not getting you anyplace.
Maybe you're right.
Take first things first.
Right, thank you.
Now, the first thing was,
you was getting me some bread. Where is it?
Now!
All right, Alice.
Get in the bedroom, Alice!
Get in the bedroom, 'cause I'm gonna kill him.
Ralph. When I finish with you,
there'll be piccalilli all over Bensonhurst.
Ralph!
Don't "Ralph" me!
What, are you sticking up for him?
Don't you realize how serious this is?
They're investigating me.
Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world.
You are not the first person who was ever investigated.
You're darn right, the jails are full of them.
All right.
Norton, I'm gonna count to five.
And when I get to five, you'd better be out that door.
Now I'm gonna count.
I'm not scared of you.
If you could count,
they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.
Get out!
Eight and five are thirteen...
Thirteen and six are nineteen.
Nineteen and two are twenty-one.
Twenty-one and five are twenty-six.
Twenty-three and twenty-nine...
Ralph, will you come to bed? Shh!
Twenty-nine and four is 33.
It is 2:00.
Thirty-three and 2:00 is a qua...
Alice, what are you trying to do to me?
What are you trying to do to me?
Do you want to see me go to jail?
Ralph, you're letting this thing get the best of you.
Now, will you stop worrying?
Whatever it is you did wrong, Ralph, you'll find out tomorrow.
And losing a night's sleep
is not gonna to help the matter any.
Oh, I suppose getting a night's sleep
is gonna fix everything up fine.
Sure, I'll go down there tomorrow and they'll say,
"Mr. Kramden, did you get a good night's sleep?"
And I'll say "Sure."
They'll say, "Well, that's fine,
let's call off the investigation."
They're not interested in sleep.
Their job is taxes.
They're not gonna send me to jail for insomnia.
They're not gonna send you to jail, Ralph.
Oh, listen to Chief Justice Alice Kramden.
Boy, you know a lot about a lot of things tonight, don't you?
You know about taxes, you know about sleep, you know about jail.
You ought to go on The $64,000 Question.
That's what you ought to go on, The $64,000 Question.
You know what your category is? Everything!
Ralph, I'm gonna make you a glass of nice, warm milk now.
Maybe it'll make you drowsy and help you relax
and then you'll be able to go to sleep.
You haven't even read the evening paper yet, Ralph.
Here, now you just sit down and look at the paper,
and just try and forget about this investigation for a while.
All right, sweetheart.
That's fine.
Just have to relax, that's all.
Right.
Here's an item.
Says that they're building a new highway in Tibet.
Oh, really?
It's going all the way from Tibet to Mongolia.
Says it'll cut five hours out of the trip
for everybody that's going there.
Oh.
That's wonderf...
What do they want me down there for?!
Ralph, will you get ahold of yourself?
Don't...
Hey, what's going on down here?
You're yelling and everything, you woke me up.
Boy, what a... Oh...
Ralph's still very upset about this tax business.
Boy, I-I tell ya, I'm surprised at you, Ralph,
carrying on the way you...
So what if they're investigating your taxes?
What can they do to you?
Can they put you up in front of a firing squad?
No, they can't.
Can they push you over a cliff?
No, they can't.
Can they string you up on the end of a rope?
No, I guess they can't.
All right, then. Nothing can happen to you.
What possibly can happen to you?
What are you worried for?
He's right, Ralph.
Now come on, let's go to bed.
Thanks, pal.
All right, now, just go in there
and get a good night's sleep.
All right.
The worst thing they could possibly do to you
is send you to the federal pen.
What are you starting with that stuff for?!
Now, look, will you go upstairs?
I gotta sit down and figure out what kind of a mistake I made.
I gotta have some answers for them tomorrow
when I go down there.
Highways with Tibet!
Look, uh...
maybe I can give you a little hand in this?
I majored in arithmetic in vocational school.
All right, see what you can make of this thing.
I'll take any kind of help.
Let me see the form here.
Uh, what is this amount here? One...
"1053622"?
What amount?
"10..." That's no amount.
That's my social security number.
I thought maybe it was your weight.
Now, would you tell me why I'd put my weight down
on an income tax report?
How should I know?
You're the one there being investigated.
Wait a minute.
( coughs )
Look.
Maybe I made a mistake on one of these business deductions.
Now, you listen and if you think
that I'm entitled to what I deducted, you let me know.
Go ahead. If not, let me know that, too.
Now, I took off the cost of my cleaning the uniform...
Right.
...my union dues, my driver's license.
Now, I took off $80 I spent entertaining Freddy Muller,
you know, every time there was an opening for traffic manager.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's all, they're all legitimate.
I take off the same kind of things on my income tax,
I take off my union dues, deductible,
I take off when I have my rubber boots vulcanized,
I take off when I have my lunchbox water-proofed,
and I take off 25% of my rent
when I use my apartment for business reasons.
Business reasons?
You work in a sewer.
What possible business could you conduct
could you possibly write off in your apartment?
I practice in the bathtub.
You practice in the bathtub,
and they're investigating my taxes.
Look, they're probably not interested
or... don't believe your deductions.
What they're looking for
is-is items that you didn't put down on the form.
Mainly, unreported income.
What do you mean, unreported income?
I only work for the bus company.
I don't have any other jobs.
Well, little other things that you forget to put down.
You know, like... you got a tax book here?
Yeah, this thing.
Wait a minute. Let me look.
( mumbling )
Come on with that thing!
( imitates mumbling )
Here we are, here.
"Examples of income that must be reported:"
Uh, "salaries." Well, we know that's okay.
Uh, did you have any income
from annuities, rents, mortgages or chattles?
Chattles?
What's a chattle?
I don't know, I guess it means,
"Did you make any money selling livestock?"
How can you think that I made any money selling livestock?
All right, all right, so far, so good.
( groans )
Here's the next item.
"Income from interest on loans, bonds or bank accounts."
You have to pay a tax on interest of bank accounts?
Oh, sure, of course.
You got to pay a tax on everything. It's income.
Get your bank book.
75 dollars.
Income on interest, bank account, $75.
That's not the interest, that's the bank account!
Interest comes to about $2.25.
$2.25.
Now, "income from tips, gratuities or bonuses."
We didn't get any bonus this year.
The boss gave us all a skinny chicken.
Well, you, uh, got any idea what the skinny chicken was worth?
About... $2.00, I guess.
"One skinny chicken."
"$2.00."
Now, then, next is item, "income from gambling winnings."
You mean to tell me they tax gambling winnings?
Sure, it's income, ain't it?
Let's see, I won about $25
throughout the year playing pool.
"$25, shooting pool."
Then I got that first prize over at Salvatore's Pizzeria.
Yeah.
High score on a pinball machine.
They gave me that horse with the stomach in its clock.
I mean, the clock in its stomach.
Let's see...
That was worth about $15.
"A horse with clock in stomach."
"15.00."
Well, you see, now, these are the items
that they're checking up on you.
There's no doubt about that.
Then there was that, uh, the $5 I won at the Racoon picnic,
winning the three-legged race.
"Three-legged race, $5."
Hey, wait a minute.
What?
Remember about six months ago,
we had the all-night poker game?
Yeah. I won $85.
$85?!
You think they could have found out about that?
Boy, that's a large amount of money.
Now, that's the kind of an item
they're really investigating you for.
"$85.00."
What can they do for me--
you know, what can they do to me
if I don't put this stuff down in my income tax?
I don't know, maybe it's, maybe it's in the book here someplace.
Let me see the book.
Here it is.
What?
"Penalty for failing to report income.
"All persons are required under this title
"to pay an estimated tax or tax.
"All are required by this title
"or by regulations
"made under authority thereof to make a return
"other than a return, required under authority
"of Section 6015 or Section 6016,
"keep any records or supply any information
"and who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax or tax,
"make such return, keep such records
"or supply such information. "
Boy, Ralph, it sounds like you are in trouble.
Trouble? I don't even know what I'm talking about!
What am I gonna do, Norton?
Hey, wait a minute!
When you get down there tomorrow, I got the idea.
Stand on the 18th Amendment.
Are you nuts or something?
Stand on the 18th Amendment?
You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment.
The 18th Amendment was for prohibition.
Well, that's just what I mean.
Tell them you were drunk when you made out your taxes.
You know what this means, don't you, Norton?
Oh, yeah. You know what it means.
Sure!
I was drunk when I made out my income taxes.
There's nobody here.
Do you think maybe they forgot about it?
They don't forget about nothing.
Just, let's sit down, try to relax.
Be calm, don't be nervous.
I want you to know,
I appreciate you coming down with me.
Do you think for one minute that I'd let you
come down here by yourself in the state that you're in?
Just try to relax, be-be calm.
Don't be nervous.
I've been thinking it over.
What am I worried about?
What have I got to worry about?
I'm an American citizen. Yep.
Got my rights, I'm a taxpayer.
If you were a taxpayer,
you wouldn't be down here right now.
Well, I'm telling you this,
if they get anything out of me,
it's not gonna be out of me that they get it.
Let him find out.
I'm not telling him anything.
He wants to find out anything, let him find it out.
I'll be no help to him.
Just keep calm and cool.
Calm and cool.
Mr. Kramden.
Hey, there!
Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?
( stammering )
Uh, he's Kramden. I'm clean.
Norton...
Just step over here, Mr. Kramden.
( stammers )
Uh, here we are. Ralph Kramden.
( stammering ) Now, Mr. Kramden?
( stammering )
What did you say?
No, that's just his way of remaining calm and cool.
No, it's, uh... I didn't do it.
I didn't do it!
I know you didn't. I know you didn't do it.
That's why we called you down here.
Huh?
Your signature, Mr. Kramden.
You didn't sign your tax form.
Now, all you have to do is sign it right here,
and then you can go.
You mean, all I have to do is sign this and...
I can go out and go home and there's nothing else?
That's all, Mr. Kramden.
Oh, baby.
There you are.
Thank you very much, Mr. Kramden.
Thank you. Good-bye.
Good-bye. Good-bye.
Come on, Ralph.
Bye!
( laughs )
I gotta tell you something, Mr. Putter.
I didn't put everything down on my income tax.
Not because I didn't want to put it down,
I just didn't know that I was supposed to put it down.
On account, I didn't ever have any of those things,
that he told me about, that I have to put down.
I wouldn't cheat the government.
Cheat the government?
Well, I... certainly not, I wouldn't cheat 'em.
But I just didn't know about these deductions.
You know, for instance,
there was the horse with the clock in its stomach.
There was the skinny chicken.
And there was the three-legged race at the Racoon picnic.
I didn't put any of that down.
But I want to put it down now
and I want to pay tax on all of it:
the horse and the picnic and everything.
Well, that's very honest of you, Mr. Kramden.
Thank you.
Uh, sir? I'd like to make a confession at this time.
Uh, a few little items that I didn't put down on my income tax form.
During the past fiscal year,
I found three dollars that was floating by me in the sewer.
I want to thank both of you gentlemen.
Now, you can list your additional income on this form here.
Mail it in to me and I'll see that it goes on your record.
Thank you very much. And I want to thank
both of you gentlemen for your honesty.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Just like you to understand,
( clears throat )
that Ralph Kramden will never be accused of
not putting a horse down with a clock in its stomach.